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A Heartbreaking Lesson

October 19, 2009

pix 208She came down the stairs this morning crying, her bedhead hair not yet brushed. She was crying for the 4th time this morning. First she cried about not knowing where to go when she got off the bus at school. I “fixed” it by explaining that she just had to ask a teacher. Then she began to cry about leaving her Cadence to walk (about 10 yards) alone. I explained that I understood the pressure of being the oldest and caring about her little sister but that her little sister had no fear and that there was nothing to worry about. The school was safe and she would be fine. I “fixed” her problem again, go daddy! Then her tears returned because she was afraid the bus would get in a wreck. I so confidently “fixed” this issue as well by explaining that busses get in less wrecks than cars do. Man I am on a roll this morning I thought. I am knocking out all her fears and the tears should stop now. I have “fixed” it all! Dad of The Year Award? Then she taught me how stupid I was. She came down the stairs, my angel and first born. The one that saved my life with her birth. The one that has touched my heart in ways I didn’t know possible. She looked up at me and simply said, “Daddy, is it okay if I just want to cry? I just want you to hold me while I cry.” I was so broken. I wanted to take that dad of the year award I had given myself, turn it sideways and shove it…well you get the picture. She just wanted her Daddy to hold her without “fixing” anything. In her world, it would all be “fixed” if I would shut my stupid pie hole and just hold her. No words, no solutions, no logic, just her daddy. So what did I do? Yep, sat in the middle of the floor and held her. And she cried…and cried…and cried. Big tears that shook her fragile little body. I held her, held her until she was done. I no intention of letting her go until it was over…by her standards. Nothing mattered, not time, not a schedule, not a to-do list or the church or anything. This was her time with daddy and she knew it. Nothing would have stopped me from holding her, except her little voice that finally said through swollen eyes and matted hair, “I’m okay now dad, thanks.” Then it hit me…

When was the last time I just sat down with God and allowed Him to hold me? It seems I am really good at allowing God to fix my issues, and He usually does. But that will never replace the joy of a father getting to hold his son. Why don’t I just allow Him? Because if I cry to God, does that mean my faith is weak? I am the guy that helps people fix things, I am a problem solver. I am innovative and creative when it comes to “getting it done.” I can evaluate a situation and usually come up with a plan to make it better. God will think I am weak, not ready for the task ahead of me, or not worthy of what He has planned for my life. This is the first time I think I have been able to articulate this and it feels really good to know I don’t have to have it all together. There are problems I can’t solve, and He knows that. There are things I can’t handle alone, and He knows that. There are days I just want to cry and have Him hold me, and He knows that.

I am sure the journey you are on will also have these moments. When you just want to cry and not be told the answer. When it all just has to come out, be cleansed in the deepest places of your heart, when a river of tears will help the process. Today I will pray with no words, I will simply be. I will not take requests or tell God how great I think He is. I will not fill the time with rambling, or a list of prayer requests that people have given me. I will simply be. Selfish maybe, but I will sit in the arms of God and cry.

May you allow your heart the freedom to cry today. Tears of joy, sadness, confusion, frustration will be wiped away by the heart of a Savior that can not be measured. May you find newness in your relationship with your Father, and may you sit in His arms ntil you are done.

Grace.

Ben

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Billy W Tisko permalink
    October 19, 2009 4:10 pm

    Great Post. Great Insight. Great Lesson.

  2. Mom permalink
    October 19, 2009 4:21 pm

    WOW…..

  3. October 21, 2009 3:44 pm

    Your family is blessed to have you.

  4. November 5, 2009 4:59 pm

    “I have a cold. I am not wiping snot because of this blog. I have a cold. I said that I have a cold not leave me alone!” Rocky said as he fought back the tears.

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