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I Feel Guilty

October 14, 2009

I feel guilty and am not sure how exactly to unpack it, so you, my faithful readers will have to be the faceless way that I will share my feelings. I have been dealing with something all day and I feel guilty about it. I understand it, I know it is normal, but I still can’t shake the guilt.

I need a BREAK from my kids. Yep, I said it, a break. Some time alone, to think, be alone, not hear noise, to process all the thoughts going crazy in my head. I can’t seem to do any of these things due to crying, laughter, arguing, playing, and all the other things that go along with being a dad. I think my name has been changed to “Daddy Anita.” (As in daddy, anita drink. Daddy, anita snack. Daddy, anita this or that.) Let me explain…

We took them out of school in Tallahassee on Friday, October 2nd. We moved on October 5th. We allowed them last week off to get settled in their new environment, and planned on registering them last Friday. Due to the fact we had to prove residency (which was harder than we thought) we couldn’t get them registered until today the 13th. They start school tomorrow! This means I have had my kids with me for 11 days straight with no break. Add that to the moving chaos, unpacking, and trying to get used to a new city, and I am a dad that needs a day to myself.

Now, those of you that know me understand I am a Mr. Mom. I take them to school, pick them up, make their lunches, cook dinner, pray with them at night, and put them to bed. Not because Brenda can’t, but because I love to. I love my kids with everything in me, and that is why I think I feel guilty. I have been trying to hide it for a few days, but tonight I finally came clean to Brenda and said I am ready for them to be back in school.

I know in the knowledge part of my brain that this is completely normal. We all need time alone, away from even those we love with an unquenched intensity. The heart side of me says that I should never want to be away from my kids, I should want them around me all the time, I should not be able to function without them with me. This is simply not the case, and while I know it is okay to need a break I feel guilty. I have been trying to figure out why and really don’t have an answer…but it makes me love God more.

Yep, in my guilt I find again God teaching me. In our humanity, we all need time away from people. To just regain our sanity and think. God doesn’t. He wants us all the time. He loves us beyond the ability to be frustrated to the point He tells us to go away. He never tells us to leave or to just “give Daddy some alone time.” He wants to and gives us all of His attention…in our good moments…and in our bad. We are never a bother to Him, pester Him, bug Him, ask too much of Him, or any of the other things I have experienced in the last 11 days. God loves us, all the time…no matter what.

Okay, I think I hear my kids calling, thanks for listening.

Grace.

Ben

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Tiffany permalink
    October 14, 2009 1:19 am

    Wow… Thank you for opening up and giving us the privelege of hearing that. I understand, I must admit while I miss my Kayleigh, I enjoy being able to take her to school and have a few hours of quiet time before work. At the same time I find myself longing to go up to the school just to hug her but then in the mornings I am grateful and ready to drop her off…after all the “Mommy…school…ready school…”… I understand totally where you are coming from! I have told Kayleigh several times that I thought it would be good for our relationship for her to go to school or get a job. So, I understand and this is only my second week of not having her with me EVERY DAY and she is over two… I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND and will be praying for God to continue showing Himself to you in such dynamic ways… Thanks again for teaching us based on your own experiences!! Miss you and love you guys!

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